She Said Nothing

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My mom didn’t talk to me about certain things.  I’m guessing she didn’t know what to say.  She never discussed sex or how to avoid getting pregnant.  Everything I learned on that subject I learned in school, racy novels and my older brother.  Her lack of communication would carry into other areas of her life.  As I got older, I realized there were a lot of things she didn’t want to talk about.

I learned that she found a lump in her breast back in1995. She did nothing and told no one.  I learned that she spent all of my dad’s money and her’s by giving it away.  I truly believe that she thought that God would provide for her.  She believed in tithing and giving your money to the church.

In her last weeks, I confronted my mother.  I needed some answers.  Why had she done the things that she had done.  Did she regret it?  Did she wish she had done things differently.  I needed to know.   She was a smart woman.  I didn’t understand.  I begged her to tell me or at least explain to my father.  She said nothing.

12 thoughts on “She Said Nothing

  1. Silence is a powerful instrument for many for self discovery and self analysis. I believe your mother was one such lady. We have to see things from their perspective too at times. As hurtful or sad it was for you or others, she believed it to be for the best. And I believe her silence to your eventual questions says a lot in itself too. But why am I telling you all this, you already know this, don’t you! :)

    • Don’t get me wrong Jeannie. I loved my mom. I just have trouble understanding her. I would live a day with my mom as well.

  2. Maybe it’s a generational thing. There were certain things that my mother would not talk about.
    A really thought provoking and poignant post. Thank you for sharing :)

  3. No one in my home talked to me about sex or life either. The only thing I heard was from my grandmother who always said, “All boys want is to get in your pants and when they’re through with you they’ll move on to someone else.” No wonder I grew up believing all men wanted was to use women.
    Silence can be deafening, can’t it? Yet, I wish my grandma had been silent instead of poisining my mind with her rhetoric.
    I think a lot of people are silent for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s not to shut us out but to shut themselves in.

  4. My Mum was just the same…..but I often think that she just didn’t have any answers for what she did……most of the time her answer was: the church said I should, or the church said I shouldn’t. She didn’t really want to think for herself – she was a follower, and that was all she wanted to be.

  5. this made me cry and made my heart feel very…very heavy for you, amy. i admire you for your open.N.honesty. obviously you are going through a lot of reflection, analyzing, questioning and anger. i..too…went through all of the same things after my sister, renae’s passing..and continue to do so. i think these are all good things. i read this last night and thought about your words all night. what i am going to say …i am sure you already know…but i feel very compelled to express.

    it is ok.. to feel the way you do, amy.
    and.. it is ok…to be you are, amy.
    i feel you are a person that is in constant search for answers…
    the how, what.N.why…behind things/life.
    i feel as though you know…you may never ‘find’ the answers to the questions you wanted your mom to answer. know this in your mind to be true….
    i feel…it is your heart…that is having the trouble with this realization.
    your heart is hurting, amy..i can truly ‘feel’ this. you are mad at your mom for some of the choices she made…
    and her choices..
    (now)..can not be changed.

    even if your mom comes to you(in your dreams)…and you find the answers..your heart is longing for….
    i do not will give you the comfort you are seeking. i simply are mad..that she made some of the choices ..she did.
    and amy..that is ok. that is your right and these are your feelings

    i hope that you will find the peace(answers)…you are searching for, amy..
    but i think it will come from within yourself…rather..then from your mother.
    love to you.

    • yes, Jen, I guess I’m still processing. I don’t think I am mad.. just trying to figure it all out. I really don’t understand why she was the way she was. thanks for your kind words. ((oooo))

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